Have you ever had one of those moments, when you really realize the impact of your decisions? Well I have, twice.
The first time was a week before I left for my first semester at BYU-Idaho. Throughout the entire process of applying for schools my senior year, I never doubted my decisions. When I found out I was accepted to BYU-Idaho it felt so right, like it was really where I needed to be. I spent the whole summer before getting stuff ready to move-in to my first apartment on my own. Then the week before I left, I realized that I would have to cook everything for myself. And do all the grocery shopping. If I didn't do any of this, I wouldn't eat. This may seem silly but I'm not a very talented cook, especially 5 years ago. At this point I realized that I was leaving home and most likely never coming back. I was moving to Idaho, what's even in Idaho?? (The answer I quickly learned is nothing)
I had this same kind of realization this week. I had just got home from work and was just relaxing and watching reruns of "The Middle", which is a hilarious comedy about an American family. I started thinking about how quickly my pregnancy is going by. I'm already 23 weeks pregnant! This week marked 4 months until our due date. This little guy is growing so much everyday and it seems like he will be joining us quickly.
Then I started thinking about how life will be when he is here. And oh my goodness, our lives will literally never be the same. This little human will rely on us for everything. He will be completely dependent of us. And my mom will be here to help the first couple weeks, but she won't be around forever. And JT will have to go back to work after a week or two. Which means this beautiful little human that is growing inside of me will always need me, so I'll never get a break.
It's not like this wasn't considered when we decided it was time to expand our family. But realizing this will be happening to us in a matter of months is a little daunting. I have spent enough time with kids to know what it's like to have them depend on you for all their needs as a babysitter, which means I know how much work it is. But the longest amount of time I have ever been in charge of children is 3 days. It was exhausting, and I wasn't the parent. It can be a lot easier to deal with other people's children, say things like "you can't do that because your mom said so". Well now I'm going to be the mom. And it's intimidating.
But, it is also exciting. Although I struggled at first when I adjusted to life on my own as a college student, it worked out. And now I can say I have mastered a few meals. So I'm probably going to struggle with the little things of raising a little boy, like the sleep deprivation and getting over my need to always keep things perfectly clean. But I will learn from my mistakes, and I'm confident that with some faith I won't do anything to mess up our child. And if I do, we plan on having a few more children so I guess they will just turn out better.
Both pictures are from this week, so 23 weeks pregnant (about 5 months) and I now have a transformed belly button, an outie. And my baby bump now sticks out farther than my chest.